By Robert Bacal, M.A.

Most of us think we’re really good at listening (and conveying to the other person that we are listening), but we tend to over-estimate our skills in communication. In this article we’ll look at how to go about improving your listening skills and we’ll include some aspects of attention focusing, and some practice exercises where you can work on improving your listening on your own.

Improving Your Listening Skills

No matter what your profession or relationship status, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to improve your listening skills. People who listen effectively are perceived as more helpful, more “in tune” and tend to exert more influence over others than those that are less effective listeners. Paradoxically, good listeners are listened to more than poor listeners. In this article, we are going to briefly discuss effective listening, and suggest an exercise you can use in the privacy of your own home to help you enhance your listening skills. Not only can you apply them at work, but in any relationship

What Is Effective Listening?

We often confuse hearing with listening. While hearing is a function of biology, listening is a function of intentional behavior. It is something we choose to do, and as such, we need to build skills, and practice to be effective at it.

There are two major components to effective listening, or in other words, two families of skills that need to be mastered. The first component is your ability to focus your attention on the words, body language, and meaning of the speaker. If you are unable to focus your attention on these in a sustained manner, you will have difficulty understanding the nuances of what the speaker is expressing.

In terms of attention, you cannot be an excellent listener if:

• your attention drifts to other things running around in your head while another person is speaking.
• you judge the speaker while he/she is speaking. Thinking about how you could say it better, the size of the person’s nose, or how wrong the speaker is, is going to impede your task of understanding the speaker from the speaker’s position.
• you spend most conversational time eagerly waiting for “your turn” to speak.
• you rehearse your response while the other person is speaking.
• you undertake some other activity while the other person is speaking (e.g.. checking the time, making extensive notes, answering the phone, etc.).

So, in other words, effective listening requires you to focus your attention, and to acquire the discipline and skill to do this almost automatically. It does not come naturally!

The second component of effective listening relates to your ability to communicate your understanding of what the speaker is saying and meaning. Even if you manage to focus your attention on a speaker, if you cannot communicate this to the speaker, you will be unlikely to reap all of the potential benefits of effective listening.

Two common skills that fall into this category are empathetic listening (expressing your understanding of the feelings of the speaker), and reflective listening, or paraphrasing (expressing your understanding of the details of the speaker’s talk).

Developing Attention-Focusing Skills

Comparatively speaking it is much easier to develop paraphrasing and empathetic listening verbal skills than it is to acquire the self-discipline of attention focusing. For this reason, we are going to discuss a simple technique to use to practice attention focusing. In her book “Staying Well With The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, Suzette Haden Elgin suggests that this form of practice is more effective than practicing on real people (at least at first). All it requires is a television, or radio, and a few minutes of uninterrupted time available on a regular basis.

1. Find a television or radio program that approximates real talk. In other words, the ideal program would have some period where the speaker talks for several minutes, uninterrupted. A sermon, speech or lecture is ideal. In fact Elgin suggests telecasts of parliament or government proceedings might be ideal, and since these are generally available in most areas via cable, they are also easy to find.

2. Give the speaker your full attention. Elgin suggests that you listen to the words AND watch the body language. Most people will find that stray thoughts intrude quite quickly, sometimes as often as every ten or fifteen seconds. Each time your mind wanders, “grab it” and refocus on the speaker. Don’t get discouraged if you must do this many times. It will get easier.

3. Once you are able to listen with full attention to the TV/radio speaker, for a period of ten minutes, you will be ready to start practicing with people in person. Elgin suggests that you actually time yourself, since it is easy to misjudge the time when you are trying to listen.

Those of you who have any background in meditation, relaxation exercises or the martial arts will recognize this type of practice as something very familiar. Attention focusing is a mental discipline, regardless of context.

Conclusion

There are several skill components to effective listening. The most difficult to acquire is the ability to focus your attention on a speaker without being distracted by judgments and thoughts that you generate internally. However, if you do not learn how to focus your attention, you are not likely to understand the speaker sufficiently to respond effectively. As you improve this ability, you will find that you will be involved in fewer misunderstandings, and you will be perceived as a more positive, effective person, regardless of your position in the organization.

]]> http://sc41.com/blog/2010/02/improve-your-listening-to-improve-your-life/feed/ http://sc41.com/blog/2010/01/floor-model-clearance-throughout-the-month-of-january/ http://sc41.com/blog/2010/01/floor-model-clearance-throughout-the-month-of-january/#comments Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:15:20 +0000 sc41 http://sc41.com/blog/?p=204 This January SC41 will be reducing prices on select floor models and discontinued products; visit us early in the month for the best selection. It’s quite possible that the dream sofa you have been longing for is sitting on our showroom floor at a reduced price! You will find floor model chairs, sofas, tables, consoles, cabinets, dressers, and bed frames at reduced prices all month so be sure to stop in; don’t miss this opportunity!

Submit your photos with a short description to info@SC41.com by the third Wednesday of the month and put “Home Design Contest” in the subject line. Our interior designers will review the month’s entry photos and choose the winner. Extra points will be given for the use of eco-friendly products in the construction or design so be sure to highlight those!

Each month’s winner will see their photo with a description in the following month’s newsletter and will receive an exclusive coupon to our store. So get those shutters clicking and let those fabulous images roll in!

New inventory all over the store…

At SC41 we have been opening so many packages filled with exciting new inventory it feels like the holidays here at the showroom! We recently un-wrapped many gorgeous upholstered pieces, including several new sofas, loveseats, chairs, and two styles of sectional sofa. We invite you to come in and try them out for yourself, and find the one that’s just right for you. Remember that with hundreds of colors and fabrics to choose from, and a little help from our design staff, it just takes a little imagination to turn any piece you see in the showroom into the perfect match for your existing style.

We also just received several new spectacular hand crafted tables from the Meier brothers, and several striking wrought iron and recycled glass lamps, candle holders, and other accessories. In addition, we’ve received a shipment of several beautiful pieces from the Classic Home collection like the acacia wood sofa back table pictured at the top of the newsletter. Stop by to check out these new items and you may even leave with a new holiday wish.

]]> http://sc41.com/blog/2009/12/new-inventory-all-over-the-store/feed/ http://sc41.com/blog/2009/12/enrich-your-community-through-toys-for-tots/ http://sc41.com/blog/2009/12/enrich-your-community-through-toys-for-tots/#comments Thu, 03 Dec 2009 17:33:43 +0000 sc41 http://sc41.com/blog/?p=152 This December SC41 will be collecting donations at the showroom of new, unwrapped toys for underprivileged young children. When a child receives a gift of their very own new toy they also receive the priceless gifts of imagination, fun, and hope. The toy donations we collect will be distributed to children living here in Santa Cruz county and carry a message of caring and support to their families. Remember, it doesn’t need to be big, flashy, or expensive. Even the simplest teddy bear provides comfort when you hug it. So bring in those gifts or have one ready when the delivery team brings you your wonderful new furniture or mattress.

SC41 will be continuing the food drive for Second Harvest Food Bank through December as well, so we welcome your donations of dry and canned goods to add to our big barrel.

Visit  ToysforTots.org or www.2ndharvest.net/ to read more information about these services.

Look closely at the statue on the left

Last month we shared good news and a beautiful baby photo of Acacia Cruz, the first daughter of our East Coast liaison and former sales staff member Allison Miller. Acacia is so sweet we just couldn’t resist throwing in another photo to share the joy.

Once again we find ourselves in the gift giving season, and chances are there’s someone on your list who is difficult to shop for. Consider the classic gift of beauty this season in the form of a painting or photograph by a local artist, unusual driftwood framed mirror, or a useful and lovely hand formed glass serving bowl. We also have shapely vases made from natural materials, lustrous hand polished wood shelves, pearlescent shell dishes, handmade mahogany chess boards, and unique locally made lamps that just might bring some brightness into the life of the one you are hoping to please.

The gift of comfort is always in style, and we have several cozy and soft items here to improve anyone’s cold winter season. Try some extra soft bamboo bath towels, silk, cotton, or wool bedding, a bright and comfy Merino/Cashmere wool throw - now 20% off, or the ultra luxury of a custom fitted oxygen pillow. Gift certificates are available too. And don’t forget your four legged friends; we also have pet beds made from the same high quality natural latex as our mattress.